They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
