I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
We're too hungover to prance.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
