The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
