I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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