what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
God I need to hump something, right now.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
