Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
