I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
i will never coherently bang her
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
