I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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