Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
