don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
