I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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