Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
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So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Randomize