so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
this hospital has no fireball
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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