Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
