I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
