and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
