Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
