my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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