I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
