Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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