went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
