It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
