I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
