I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
