so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
