I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
