I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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