I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
babies were throwing up all over the place
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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