Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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