so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
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Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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