I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Randomize
