I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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