I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
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Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
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Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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