What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
