Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
