my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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