That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
