Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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