I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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