genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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