saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
he shaved USA in his pubs
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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