i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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