I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
