I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
