It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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