Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
