it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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