he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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