i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
