i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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