On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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