He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
