Apparently you make a good broom.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
