You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
