this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
