Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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