Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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